Bennie and Baby

Jill: All right, baby’s sleeping, bottle’s in the fridge, I should be back in a couple hours.

Aaron: OK.

Bennie: Bark Bark!

Aaron: Shhhhhh!

Jill: You need anything from the store?

Aaron: I’m good.

Bennie: Bark!

Aaron: Shut up!

Jill: OK, have fun, bye.

(Jill dashes out, yet remains careful to close the door with only the slightest click.)

Bennie: You shut up.

Aaron: No, seriously, be quiet. You’re gonna wake the baby.

Bennie: Oh, boo hoo! Why’s everyone always so terrified of waking babies?

Aaron: Well, Ben…

Bennie: It’s not like we’re sitting in a freaking lion’s den here.

Aaron: No…

Bennie: I can understand being extra quiet around a lion. You wake up a lion, he bites your head off.

Aaron: Well, that’s true.

Bennie: And then he rips off your arms.

Aaron: I guess.

Bennie: And then your neck.

Aaron: I figured he would’ve gotten that with the head.

Bennie: But what’s a baby gonna do if you wake her, spit bubbles and fill her pants?

Aaron: For starters.

Bennie: I’ll take my chances with the baby.

Aaron: Then comes the wailing.

Bennie: One chomps on your head, the other emits a slight odor.

Aaron: Hey, yeah, by the way, that was a nice gift you left on the living room carpet this morning.

Bennie: Three gifts, actually. Thanks for noticing.

Aaron: What gives?

Bennie: Isn’t it obvious? It was a clever trick to get your attention. Ever since that baby’s come home, I’ve been woefully neglected.

Aaron: Oh yeah right.

Bennie: Yeah. Right.

Aaron: You really feel that way? You really, (bear) truly, (ball), honestly (frequent walks to Dairy Queen) feel neglected?

Bennie: I do. I have feelings, you know. Every time I see you holding the baby or talking to the baby or taking the baby for a car-ride, it’s like I’m getting punched in the stomach over and over…by a lion.

Aaron: What’s with lions today?

Bennie: It’s that toy, man. It’s freaking me out.

Aaron: Well don’t touch. It’s Baby’s First Lion.

(Aaron’s cell phone rings.)

Aaron: Haldo.

Jill: Hey, how’s baby doing?

Aaron: She’s fine, she’s just sleeping in her…BENNIE! DROP BABY'S FIRST LION!

Baby: a-heh…weh…grunt…

Bennie: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

Aaron: Shut up! SHUT UP!

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jill: Is everything all right over there?

Aaron: Yep, we’re great, love you (click.)

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: Bennie, you idiot!

Baby: Ehh!...aheh…aheh…aheh…WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: I’m gonna warm up a bottle. Stop chomping on that lion’s head.

Bennie: She’s not hungry.

Aaron: What makes you say that?

Bennie: I understand babies.

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: Yeah? So you understand that barking like a maniac wakes babies up and makes them cry?

Bennie: Yes.

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: Well, thanks, you’ve been a tremendous help.

Bennie: I also understand baby-speak.

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: So that right there. That “wah,” you understood that.

Bennie: Yes.

Aaron: She's communicating to you through her crying.

Bennie: Yeah that’s right.

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: Wow. You are 100% full of crap.

Bennie: The carpet disagrees.

Baby: WAHHHHH WAHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Aaron: That’s gross, and she’s cranking up the volume, so I’m gonna go ahead and get her bottle now.

Bennie: Why don’t you pick her up first.

Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aaron: I will after I get the bottle.

Baby: WAHHH WAHHHH WAHHHH WAHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Bennie: You should do it now.

Aaron: All right, all right, fine. Shhhhhhhhh, baby. Shhhhh…

Baby: WAHHHHhhhh…aheh…aheh…AGEE! (giggle).

Aaron: Good baby…shhhh baby……Hey, that’s awesome! How’d you know I needed to pick her up? Is that what she told you?

Bennie: No. Any idiot knows to pick up a crying baby. That’s what makes babies such cowards. You pick ‘em up and they shut their tiny, quivering yaps. Now if you tried to pick up a roaring lion, he’d kick you right in the crotch.

Aaron: Fascinating. So what did baby actually say?

Bennie: She said you should set out a bowl of dog treats and put in the Homeward Bound DVD.

Aaron: We don’t have Homeward Bound.

Bennie: You didn’t let me finish. She said you should put in the Homeward Bound DVD that you rent from Blockbuster, and also you should throw away our leash in case a dog wanted to have his own “incredible journey.” And she wants her diaper changed.

Aaron: Wow, she said all that, huh?

Bennie: Yeah, that last part is how you could tell it was really her.

Aaron: That’s a good point. I’ll get started on the diaper.

Bennie: And I’ll drive to Blockbuster. Give me your keys.

Aaron: Yeah, sure. Just as soon as you get your ball.

Bennie: Did you throw it?

Aaron: Yep.

Bennie: It didn’t look like you threw it.

Aaron: Well, as you can see, it’s not in my hands anymore.

Bennie: Is it behind the couch? I bet it’s behind the couch.

Aaron: Could be.

Bennie: Maybe it’s up on the rocking chair.

Aaron: Hard to say.

Bennie: Crap. All right, it’s gotta be somewhere in the bedroom.

Aaron: You never know.

Bennie: Are you sure you really threw it?