A Debate for the Ages

vs.

Who wins? The critics say Superman. The box office says Pirates. I guess everyone in the industry is too much of a coward to pick a definitive winner, and they need someone with the wisdom, the insight, and the intestinal fortitude to step up, be a man, and declare a champion.

And I'm sure not gonna do it.

So we'll let this arbitrary list of comparative points decide the victor.

1. The Hero's Introduction:

Superman - We first see Superman hunched over in the fetal position underneath a burning mass of something that's supposed to look like the wreckage from some sort of fantastic intergalactic spaceship, but looks more like a giant tire fire. Also he's naked.

Pirates - Jack Sparrow shoots a stupid bird in the face.

winner: Pirates

2. 1st Big Action Scene

Superman - An experimental space shuttle launch - in which a jumbo jet "carries" the shuttle into the upper atmosphere - goes awry when the two flight craft become locked together seconds before the shuttle's rockets fire.

Superman flies up, dislodges the shuttle and sends it soaring safely into space, then races back down toward the jet. He dodges a couple of flaming wings, gains control of the jet, and gently sets it down in the middle of a baseball field, much to the delight of the thousands of fans in attendance, not to mention the worldwide television audience.

Pirates - Jack Sparrow catches fruit on either end of a long bamboo pole, then swings the mangos back at his captors. Meanwhile, his shipmates roll around the jungle in giant bone-spheres.

winner: Superman

3. Movies that were clearly an inspiration aside from the previous iterations of their respective series (meaning the first Pirates and Superman movies don't count in this category, especially Supermans 3 and 4 which everyone has conveniently decided to forget for the sake of humanity).


Superman - Hmmm, let's see. Narnia, The Matrix, Shane, E.T., Star Wars, The Passion of the Christ.

Pirates - The giant squid, the deranged captain playing the pipe organ, even the cannibal-island chase - all homages to one of the greatest underwater adventures ever told: Finding Nemo.

winner: Pirates

4. The villain.

Superman - Kevin Spacey was a great choice as Lex Luthor, and he has some fun moments, but it almost seems as though the movie is constantly crying out, "Isn't Kevin Spacey great as Lex Luthor??? Don't you love him like you loved the Joker???" No.

Pirates - Davy Jones isn't a misstep of grievous proportions, but what's with the trend of giving all these badass-looking villains wussy little girl voices? Old nostril-less octopus-face Davy Jones ended up sounding like Gretchen from Recess. (Who, in turn, sounds like Clark Peters from King of the Hill, but I couldn't find a picture of him.)

winner: The Empire Strikes Back

Conclusion: And thus, the final tally is Pirates 2; Superman 1; Empire Strikes Back 1.

Therefore, the winner and champion of this summer's blockbuster season is . . . The Empire Strikes Back.

Seriously. It kicks the crap out of the other two.